Update on me and Words of Affirmation

This post is going to be two post into one. An update on me and the next love language. So I haven’t been blogging much because I have been depressed. Not wanting to do anything let alone take care of myself. Its been overwhelming.I can only imagine how my fiance feels after he is left to pick up the pieces. i have let my chores go and that’s not okay. I have even let work suffer. To day I am feeling much better and more like myself so I decided to write.

Words of Affirmation. This is where the primary love language is to use words. Kind words, encouraging words. Words speak louder than actions in this case. Things you could do to speak their language are but not limited to:

  • say how terrific they are
  • say I love you
  • write a card

Some things to avoid is harsh words and criticism.

This love language is pretty simple. Just communicate with your significant other and use your words to express your love for them. Communication is key!

Quality time

I will just jump into the third love language.

Quality time. That is when you spend time together while being present and giving your full undivided attention. Turn off the televisions and put the phones away and be present. Love really is spelt T-I-M-E with these people.

Some examples are:

  • going for a walk and talking about your day
  • meeting for lunch
  • taking a weekend trip with the children
  • preplanned thoughtful date
  • family vacation
  • quality conversation
  • gardening together
  • working out together
  • cooking together

A successful quality time sesh will include one of the following:

  • one or both of you want to do it
  • the other person is willing
  • you both know that you are expressing your love to each other through this activity

There are some things to avoid when you are in a relationship where the person speaks this love language. The first thing is to avoid distractions. The second, is postponed dates. This is a big no no. And last not listening. They love when you can listen to each other and have conversations.

Remember quality time is the most important thing to this person. So conversate it up!

Receiving gifts

Love is an amazing thing when you get it figured out. Part of it is figuring out the person’s love language. So on to the next love language.

Receiving gifts. Gifts and gestures show that you are known, loved, and cared for. They thrive on the thoughtfulness and effort behind a visual representation of love. The best gifts are the most meaningful. If you struggle to know what gift to get then just ask them! Its the thought that counts.

Examples of these gift ideas are but not limited to:

  • engagement ring
  • flowers
  • trinket with their favorite tv show, animal or band
  • memento from meaningful date
  • bring home their favorite treat
  • a trip they have always wanted to go
  • the thing they have talked about wanting
  • the gift of yourself

Actions to avoid when dealing with these people is to avoid forgetting birthdays and anniversaries. Another thing to avoid is thoughtless gifts.

As long as the gift is thoughtful they typically will accept. Remember and I can not stress enough, it is the thought that counts.

Acts of service

In my I wish I had known series I touched base with the five love languages. This week I will go into more detail about the languages.

The first one we are going to talk about is acts of service. The things you do to ease the responsibilities of your significant other. This means a lot to the person with acts of service as their love language. Action speak louder than words with these people. It can be misinterpreted. But communication is key. Just simply ask them and they will tell you.

Some examples of acts of service are:

  • doing the dishes or laundry
  • washing their car
  • running errands for them
  • fixing things around the house
  • helping them with a project
  • doing things without being asked
  • sacrificing what you want to do for them

There are some things to avoid when dealing with these people who primary love language is acts of service. First of all they dislike laziness. Secondly they dislike broken commitments. And last but not least they dislike making more work for them.

As this week continues look out for your love language. You will know once you read it which one is yours. You can have multiple but one will speak strongly towards you. As you read I want you to think about which love language you are and communication. This won’t necessarily make the relationship easier but it will help out all parties involved.

Personality and behavior

I wish I had known…

…that personality profoundly influences behavior.

Our personality greatly influences our behavior for many reasons. So what kind of personality do you have? Lets take a look at the different personalities.

Half full or half empty? The pessimist and optimist are typically attracted to each other. The pessimist sees the glass as half full. Where as the optimist sees it as half full. The optimist will be a risk taker because in their mind everything will be fine. The pessimist is the exact opposite and thinks the worst will happen. You have to find a common middle ground for this to work with both personalities.

Neatniks and slobs. The neatniks are clean freaks that like everything in order and clean. The slob could care less about whether or not the place is clean and in order. But again opposites attract.

When the dead sea weds a babbling brook. This means when one person is very talkatve, the other is usually quiet. These two mix very well together. The babbling brook will fill up the evening talking and the dead sea will just agree typically because they are more quiet and reserved.

Passives and aggressives. The aggressive partner will pursue what they want, what they believe to be right, or what they think should happen. The passive partner will be pleased with plans and charts of the future.

Professors and dancers. Some people are very logical. This is the professor. The intuitive partner is the dancer. Both are very good ways of processing life. If you try to force each other into your own personality mold it can result in a lifetime spent in conflict.

The organizer and the free spirit. The organizer is a planner. They give their attention to detail. The free spirit thinks the plans will take care of themselves.

To better understand your personality here’s a list and mark them 1-10. 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest. The numbers next to each thing is what I would rate myself.

  • optimistic–3
  • pessimistic–8
  • neat–1
  • messy–10
  • babbling brook–6
  • dead sea–3
  • pointer–2
  • painter–10
  • aggressive–4
  • passive–8
  • logical–1
  • intuitive–10
  • organizer–10
  • spontaneous–2

More about sex

This week has been crazy. It was my fiance and I anniversary so we were busy with that. I’ve been experiencing mood swings like crazy and it is taking everything to control it. I have been writing this series I wish I had known because it is my anniversary. I think this book has been really helpful.So on to the main post.

I wish I had known…

…that mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic.

Not many couples think they would come across problems in the bedroom for he is male and she is female. What could go wrong? You have to figure the person out. The five love languages play a major factor in this. Speak the other person’s love language and you’re more likely to finish in the bedroom. However there are some key points in figuring this stuff out.

Men focus on intercourse, while women focus on the relationship. To women it is an intimate action and grows out of a loving relationship. To men it is just simply sex. They have some emotion behind it but it is not as intense as for the woman.

To the wife, foreplay is more important than the actual of intercourse itself. Women like to take their time and enjoy the process. Where as men tend to rush things and go about their business.

Mutual sexual satisfaction does not require both of you to climax. What is important is to get the feeling of a climax or orgasm. Sometimes it is just not possible for both to climax. This produces a lot of anxiety on couples. Enjoy the act of sex people!!

When one forces a particular sexual act upon one’s significant other, to stops being an act of love and becomes an act of abuse. True love looks to bring pleasure to your significant other. It never demands something of you. Also if you can not reach an agreement then love will make the final decision by not doing it out of respect for your partner.

Sex is more than intercourse. Sex is a very special, bonding moment between two people. It is very intimate. It is not the joining of two bodies but the union of body, soul, and spirit.

Communication is the key that unlocks sexual fulfillment. Most couples tend to only focus on what the other is telling them and not the listening part of it. You have to listen to your partner. If it is within respectable bounds then try it out You may find out you like it too.

The past never remains the past. Couples struggle wanting to know their partner’s past sexual history. You can not just wipe the psychological slate clean. You must learn to accept the past is what is and you have to let go.

Roles within the relationship

I wish I had known…

…that toilets are not self-cleaning.

When growing up the toilet was always clean. And then I picked it up as a chore when I got older. But when I was younger I never thought about who cleaned it. Roles within the relationship is one of the most stressful things a couple can go through.

Who does what? There are several factors that go into deciding your role in the relationship. The two of you grew up differently meaning you will have different point of views for who does what.

Where do these ideas come from? A second influence of what you think your role is, is how you see maleness and femaleness. This is influenced from education, what we are taught to be a male and a female role. Another reason could be religious as well.

What are each of you good at? Both of you have different skills so use those to your advantage. It can benefit the relationship tremendously if you do what each is good at.

Likes and dislikes. This one is easy. Each of you have things you like to do and are good at and you have things you would prefer not to do. For example, I enjoy doing the dishes and laundry but I am not very good at.

My fiance and I have established our roles in the relationship already. He does the living room, the bathroom, and the bedroom. I keep up with the kitchen and laundry. I also cook dinner for us when I am not working. If we didn’t have these established already I honestly wouldn’t know what do. My bipolar brain does not handle not having structure very well. I need structure and need to know where I stand at all times.


I wish I had known…

…that forgiveness is not a feeling.

The healthiest way from moving forward from an apology is forgiveness. So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness basically states that a wrong has been committed and are looking for an apology. There are minor instances and major offenses. When someone offends other, the re is an emotional barrier that pops up. Just passing time won’t heal this barrier. However sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness will heal this barrier. But to understand forgiveness you need to know what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness does not destroy our memory. There is your conscious part of the brain and your subconscious Your consciousness is aware of in the moment. While the subconscious is past experiences. Sometimes information flows freely between the two and sometimes you have to choose to communicate to both sides of the brain. We are only human so we will remember theses experiences throughout life. It does not mean we have not forgiven but it does show we are human looking back on a painful experience.

Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing. Positive behavior has positive consequences. Negative behavior has negative consequences. All of our behavior has consequences. Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing.

Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. With a pattern of honesty you can rebuild trust. It does not automatically restore but you can work on it.

Forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation. Reconciliation means to bring back harmony. It requires working through differences, finding new ways of doing things, solving conflicts, and learning how to work as a team. So how long does it take to be reconciled? That depends on you as a couple and how long you have been out of harmony.

Forgiveness is something I struggle with everyday. I hold onto things very much. And if you have hurt me that is it. My fiance is very patient when it comes to this kind of thing. He knows I am learning and that it is something I struggle with.

The act of apologizing

I wish I had known…

…that apologizing is a sign of strength.

Apologizing is a sign of strength because it admits that you are at fault and that you feel bad for it. It is simply admitting a mistake was done and that you are sorry for it. I have a hard time apologizing. I could not even tell you how to properly say I’m sorry. Couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize. There are five primary apologize languages.

Expressing Regret. This an emotional language. They will say things like “I’m sorry for….”. They wish to let the person know that their words or behavior has hurt them and they feel regret for that since the goal was not to hurt the other person.

Accepting Responsibility. This apology starts with words like “I was wrong” and then goes into detail how their behavior or words were wrong. The person who has this language is waiting to hear how your behavior was wrong so the other languages would not work.

Making Restitution. This apology seeks to make things right. The person with this language is wanting to know if you still love them. Your behavior was so unloving that they do not understand how you could do something like that to them.

Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior. This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from happening again. If you are really apologizing then you will change.

Requesting Forgiveness. In these people minds if you are sincere, then you will ask forgiveness.

What most people want to know when apologizing is how sincere you are. This means you have to learn your primary language and say it in their primary language. When you do they feel the sincerity.

I am still learning but my language is expressing regret. Sometimes it is unfair because it does not always seem sincere. But that is because it is my language not my fiance’s.