I wish I had known…

…that forgiveness is not a feeling.

The healthiest way from moving forward from an apology is forgiveness. So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness basically states that a wrong has been committed and are looking for an apology. There are minor instances and major offenses. When someone offends other, the re is an emotional barrier that pops up. Just passing time won’t heal this barrier. However sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness will heal this barrier. But to understand forgiveness you need to know what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness does not destroy our memory. There is your conscious part of the brain and your subconscious Your consciousness is aware of in the moment. While the subconscious is past experiences. Sometimes information flows freely between the two and sometimes you have to choose to communicate to both sides of the brain. We are only human so we will remember theses experiences throughout life. It does not mean we have not forgiven but it does show we are human looking back on a painful experience.

Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing. Positive behavior has positive consequences. Negative behavior has negative consequences. All of our behavior has consequences. Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing.

Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. With a pattern of honesty you can rebuild trust. It does not automatically restore but you can work on it.

Forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation. Reconciliation means to bring back harmony. It requires working through differences, finding new ways of doing things, solving conflicts, and learning how to work as a team. So how long does it take to be reconciled? That depends on you as a couple and how long you have been out of harmony.

Forgiveness is something I struggle with everyday. I hold onto things very much. And if you have hurt me that is it. My fiance is very patient when it comes to this kind of thing. He knows I am learning and that it is something I struggle with.

The act of apologizing

I wish I had known…

…that apologizing is a sign of strength.

Apologizing is a sign of strength because it admits that you are at fault and that you feel bad for it. It is simply admitting a mistake was done and that you are sorry for it. I have a hard time apologizing. I could not even tell you how to properly say I’m sorry. Couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize. There are five primary apologize languages.

Expressing Regret. This an emotional language. They will say things like “I’m sorry for….”. They wish to let the person know that their words or behavior has hurt them and they feel regret for that since the goal was not to hurt the other person.

Accepting Responsibility. This apology starts with words like “I was wrong” and then goes into detail how their behavior or words were wrong. The person who has this language is waiting to hear how your behavior was wrong so the other languages would not work.

Making Restitution. This apology seeks to make things right. The person with this language is wanting to know if you still love them. Your behavior was so unloving that they do not understand how you could do something like that to them.

Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior. This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from happening again. If you are really apologizing then you will change.

Requesting Forgiveness. In these people minds if you are sincere, then you will ask forgiveness.

What most people want to know when apologizing is how sincere you are. This means you have to learn your primary language and say it in their primary language. When you do they feel the sincerity.

I am still learning but my language is expressing regret. Sometimes it is unfair because it does not always seem sincere. But that is because it is my language not my fiance’s.