In-laws

I wish I had known…

…that I was marrying into a family.

Couples who think it will be just the two of them after the wedding is wrong. You marry into each other’s families for better or for worse. Typically the family is most important. So let’s focus on that relationship today.

Five key issues. The first issue the couple will face when dealing with the in-laws is the holidays. You must choose whose family you will be seeing and when. If you all live in the same town then it is more feasible to see both families. However, if they do not, then you will have to decide who gets what on each major holiday such as Christmas or Thanksgiving. Next you will have to keep up with traditions. Traditions are driven by deep emotions and should never ever be taken lightly. Your in-laws will also have expectations. They will expect you to do things that you won’t even think about such as paying for dinner when you all go out. You must accept that your in-laws have behavioral patterns that you may find troublesome such as going home intoxicated. The last thing is the in-laws will have strongly held religious beliefs that differ from yours.

There are three main points to figuring out this relationship between you and the in-laws.

Learning to listen. People have different views, ideas, and emotions. Learning to listen and actually hear what they are saying will e a step to understanding them.

Learning to negotiate. Negotiation is enhanced when you make requests and not demands. It is an agreement all parties can agree on.

Learning their love language. Learn their love language and act on it all the time.

Ultimately, it takes time and effort to build a positive and healthy relationship with the in-laws.

My fiance and I will switch off on holidays. If the family plans something that we want to go to in between that time then we go to it. We have a healthy relationship between the in-laws.

More about sex

This week has been crazy. It was my fiance and I anniversary so we were busy with that. I’ve been experiencing mood swings like crazy and it is taking everything to control it. I have been writing this series I wish I had known because it is my anniversary. I think this book has been really helpful.So on to the main post.

I wish I had known…

…that mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic.

Not many couples think they would come across problems in the bedroom for he is male and she is female. What could go wrong? You have to figure the person out. The five love languages play a major factor in this. Speak the other person’s love language and you’re more likely to finish in the bedroom. However there are some key points in figuring this stuff out.

Men focus on intercourse, while women focus on the relationship. To women it is an intimate action and grows out of a loving relationship. To men it is just simply sex. They have some emotion behind it but it is not as intense as for the woman.

To the wife, foreplay is more important than the actual of intercourse itself. Women like to take their time and enjoy the process. Where as men tend to rush things and go about their business.

Mutual sexual satisfaction does not require both of you to climax. What is important is to get the feeling of a climax or orgasm. Sometimes it is just not possible for both to climax. This produces a lot of anxiety on couples. Enjoy the act of sex people!!

When one forces a particular sexual act upon one’s significant other, to stops being an act of love and becomes an act of abuse. True love looks to bring pleasure to your significant other. It never demands something of you. Also if you can not reach an agreement then love will make the final decision by not doing it out of respect for your partner.

Sex is more than intercourse. Sex is a very special, bonding moment between two people. It is very intimate. It is not the joining of two bodies but the union of body, soul, and spirit.

Communication is the key that unlocks sexual fulfillment. Most couples tend to only focus on what the other is telling them and not the listening part of it. You have to listen to your partner. If it is within respectable bounds then try it out You may find out you like it too.

The past never remains the past. Couples struggle wanting to know their partner’s past sexual history. You can not just wipe the psychological slate clean. You must learn to accept the past is what is and you have to let go.

Money

I wish I had known…

…that we needed a plan for handling our money.

“Our money”: building unity–this is first foundation step in developing a financial plan. After marriage, it is no longer your money my money, but our money. This means that you will work as a team in financial decisions.

Saving, sharing, spending–the next step is deciding how much of income will be spent, saved, and given away. The main reason to is to have an emergency fund in case things happen. The second is to pay off any debts. The third reason to save is for big purchases such as a home. Usually this is 10% of income. The next 10% is given away.

The other 80 percent–is spent paying the other bills. The more you spend on housing the less you have for the other bills. The most common mistake is spending too much on housing and not have enough for other bills.

Who keeps the books–this is the final step in financial planning. Whoever keeps the accounts will also pay for all the bills. However whoever is not keeping the books will need to know how in case they need to do it one day.

After 6 years together my fiance and are just now figuring this one out. We have separate accounts and we each pay a portion of the bills. Right now this works for us. It teaches me responsibility of my own money, which I need to know how to do when I’m married.

Roles within the relationship

I wish I had known…

…that toilets are not self-cleaning.

When growing up the toilet was always clean. And then I picked it up as a chore when I got older. But when I was younger I never thought about who cleaned it. Roles within the relationship is one of the most stressful things a couple can go through.

Who does what? There are several factors that go into deciding your role in the relationship. The two of you grew up differently meaning you will have different point of views for who does what.

Where do these ideas come from? A second influence of what you think your role is, is how you see maleness and femaleness. This is influenced from education, what we are taught to be a male and a female role. Another reason could be religious as well.

What are each of you good at? Both of you have different skills so use those to your advantage. It can benefit the relationship tremendously if you do what each is good at.

Likes and dislikes. This one is easy. Each of you have things you like to do and are good at and you have things you would prefer not to do. For example, I enjoy doing the dishes and laundry but I am not very good at.

My fiance and I have established our roles in the relationship already. He does the living room, the bathroom, and the bedroom. I keep up with the kitchen and laundry. I also cook dinner for us when I am not working. If we didn’t have these established already I honestly wouldn’t know what do. My bipolar brain does not handle not having structure very well. I need structure and need to know where I stand at all times.

Forgiveness

I wish I had known…

…that forgiveness is not a feeling.

The healthiest way from moving forward from an apology is forgiveness. So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness basically states that a wrong has been committed and are looking for an apology. There are minor instances and major offenses. When someone offends other, the re is an emotional barrier that pops up. Just passing time won’t heal this barrier. However sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness will heal this barrier. But to understand forgiveness you need to know what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness does not destroy our memory. There is your conscious part of the brain and your subconscious Your consciousness is aware of in the moment. While the subconscious is past experiences. Sometimes information flows freely between the two and sometimes you have to choose to communicate to both sides of the brain. We are only human so we will remember theses experiences throughout life. It does not mean we have not forgiven but it does show we are human looking back on a painful experience.

Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing. Positive behavior has positive consequences. Negative behavior has negative consequences. All of our behavior has consequences. Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing.

Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. With a pattern of honesty you can rebuild trust. It does not automatically restore but you can work on it.

Forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation. Reconciliation means to bring back harmony. It requires working through differences, finding new ways of doing things, solving conflicts, and learning how to work as a team. So how long does it take to be reconciled? That depends on you as a couple and how long you have been out of harmony.

Forgiveness is something I struggle with everyday. I hold onto things very much. And if you have hurt me that is it. My fiance is very patient when it comes to this kind of thing. He knows I am learning and that it is something I struggle with.

The act of apologizing

I wish I had known…

…that apologizing is a sign of strength.

Apologizing is a sign of strength because it admits that you are at fault and that you feel bad for it. It is simply admitting a mistake was done and that you are sorry for it. I have a hard time apologizing. I could not even tell you how to properly say I’m sorry. Couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize. There are five primary apologize languages.

Expressing Regret. This an emotional language. They will say things like “I’m sorry for….”. They wish to let the person know that their words or behavior has hurt them and they feel regret for that since the goal was not to hurt the other person.

Accepting Responsibility. This apology starts with words like “I was wrong” and then goes into detail how their behavior or words were wrong. The person who has this language is waiting to hear how your behavior was wrong so the other languages would not work.

Making Restitution. This apology seeks to make things right. The person with this language is wanting to know if you still love them. Your behavior was so unloving that they do not understand how you could do something like that to them.

Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior. This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from happening again. If you are really apologizing then you will change.

Requesting Forgiveness. In these people minds if you are sincere, then you will ask forgiveness.

What most people want to know when apologizing is how sincere you are. This means you have to learn your primary language and say it in their primary language. When you do they feel the sincerity.

I am still learning but my language is expressing regret. Sometimes it is unfair because it does not always seem sincere. But that is because it is my language not my fiance’s.

Conflicts

I wish I had known…

How to solve disagreements without arguing.

As we are dating it doesn’t cross our minds that we will get into conflicts. We encounter these conflicts because we are individuals. We have different likes, dislikes, things that irritate us and things that please us.

Once you have accepted the fact that you will come across these conflicts then there are three main ways of solving these conflicts.

First one is meeting in the middle. This is where you come up with a compromise that let’s you both do what you want but also give up a few things too.

The second way is meeting on your side. This means that you both listen to each others feelings and thoughts. Then you decide which way to go based off the information and the situation. Sometimes this involves great sacrifice.

The third way is meeting later. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. Sometimes you cant meet in the middle or choose one way so you just have to disagree. It doesn’t mean you dont love your partner any less. It just means you can’t decide.

My fiance and I try to meet in the middle as most often as we can. Sometimes we come across where his idea or mine is better so we do that and sometimes we come across things we just cant agree on.

#bipolardisorder #pennyforyourthoughts